Yaoi Zowie!
by Wyrm
Summary: The Yaoi Fairy comes to the Fruits Basket universe in search of new victims.
1. Prologue

DISCLAIMER: I'm a little teapot, short and stout. 

TITLE: Yaoi Zowie! (Looking for better title)  
GENRE: Humor/Parody  
RATING: PG-13 for implications, hinting, innuendo, and general "wink wink, nudge nudge"-age. 

PAIRINGS: That... is a secret! 

NOTES: Story and appendices are mixed up together; Furuba content doesn't start until chapter 1. 

* * *

Observe this tranquil Japanese neighborhood: cozy houses bordered by whitewashed fences and trimmed bushes. Well tended lawns and orderly flower beds, lending the air an earthy, homey smell. A lone butterfly fluttering through the air. A four inch tall woman with transparent wings popping into existence. A cat lazily sprawled in the sun. Wind chimes playing a random melody. A- 

Wait, wait a minute; back up. Wind chimes: check. Cat: check. Four inch tall woman with transparent wings... Nope, don't see any. A hallucination? A- 

Aha! Right there in one of the bushes, a tiny human with insect wings. A real, honest-to-goodness fairy. Well, don't that beat it all? 

* * *

Yumi the Yaoi Fairy groaned as she sat up amongst the bush's leaves. Damn, but that trans-dimensional reality crossing spell really took something out of you, and was a bitch to cast. And the previous reality had been going so _well_! It didn't have many bishounen, but she made up for that with volume. First she'd had to deal with that Akane tramp, and then it had taken liberal applications of her Wand of Yaoi, but she'd finally gotten a four-way going between Ranma, Ryoga, Mousse and Kuno. Turned out that weapons weren't the _only_ thing Mousse was hiding, and Kuno could do some very interesting things with that wooden sword of his. They'd gotten into a nice orgy... 

And then, _somehow_, cold water had managed to find Ranma, and the three remaining men proceeded to gang-bang the red-headed trollop. She'd then transported in a huff to another reality before she realized she could fix the situation, and was now tangled up in the leaves of a bush. She shouldn't have reacted so rashly, but she'd be damned if another women was going to get the men of her dreams. And since the men of her dreams were human, and she wasn't even as big as their CENSORED, she was reduced to hitching those men up with each other. 

Well, not really _reduced_. The pairings (or triplings, or...) were quite yummy, what with strong, masculine hands gliding over wide backs, rippling muscles sliding over rippling muscles, rampant, throbbing- 

Yumi started fanning herself; whoo, she was getting hot! Quickly looking around, she lifted up her skirt, set the Wand of Yaoi to "vibrate", and- 


	2. Appendix A

APPENDIX A 

RPG Stats for the "Wand of Yaoi" 

DESCRIPTION: Long. Hard. Smooth. Sleek. Glistening. (Pant pant pant) Excuse me, I gotta go take a cold shower 

MONETARY VALUE: One dozen Fushigi Yuugi yaoi doujinshi, a Sesshou-maru plsuhie, and two pounds of chocolate covered coffee beans. 

CREATION: Was made by the Smut Fairy after one too many shots of tequila during a Gundam Wing marathon. She can't remember what she did, and the only clues to it's creation were an empty bottle of Tabasco sauce, her missing Mokona plushy, and the fact that her neighbor's cat walked funny for the next few days. However, she did remember the cool idea she had for a five-way Gundam yaoi fic, which involved nachos and the liberal use of nipple clamps designed by Washuu. 

RECHARGING: The wand recharges slowly on its own. To recharge it completely in on go, the following method must be used: 

beeeep beep CENSORED Insert tab A into slot B CENSORED CENSORED Now where am I going to get a chibi tentacle monster at this time at night? CENSORED beep "Oh, yes, yes, YES! More, more, I'm-" beep beep Oh my God, that's disgusting! CENSORED Next slather whipped cream on the Kama Sutra and- TOP SECRET beep beep "I say, what are you doing with that turnip?" beep beep beeeep Wow, I never knew you could do that with the human body! WHEEEEEE CENSORED "Quick, grab the cattle prods before he escapes!" CENSORED beep beep beep CENSORED And finally, spit out the smurf. 

* * *

SPELL: Detect Bishounen  
CHARGES USED: 2 

EFFECT: Causes all bishounen within 100 meters to sparkle. However, since bishounen tend to already sparkle, this isn't a very useful spell. 

--- 

SPELL: Vibrating Wand  
CHARGES USED: 1 per 10 minutes 

EFFECT: The Wand of Yaoi vibrates; one of it's more popular uses. With the proper dental hygiene attachment it can be used as an ultra-sonic toothbrush, but do you have any idea where that thing's been?! 

--- 

SPELL: Bishounen-ify  
CHARGES USED: 69 

EFFECT: For use in shounen based realities where the men aren't that attractive and the women all have breasts larger than Kansas mutter grumble. Enlarges the target's eyes, makes his face more feminine, and all around makes him better looking. A roll of 1 on d20 means that the sparkle affect has been achieved Wai! Sparkles!!, and a roll of 00 on a d100 means that he's grown wings. Drool 

This spell also grants the target 2d6 Angst Points. If afterward the target is still too cheerful and happy-go-lucky, you may apply the AMPLIFY ANGST spell. 

--- 

SPELL: Floating Eyebrows  
CHARGES USED: 1 

EFFECT: Ensures that the target's eyebrows float in front of his bangs. 

--- 

SPELL: Yaoi Pheromones  
CHARGES USED: Variable 

EFFECT: For when your bishounen stubbornly remains heterosexual. Effect on the target varies based on the number of charges used: Target subconsciously "notices" boys, perhaps leading to something later on. Target definitely notices boys. Causes embarrassment and blushing. Target starts flirting with boys. Target starts seducing boys. Target rips clothes off of boys and starts doing them right where they stand. Target screws anything that moves. Target screws anything convex. Boy, are you screwed. 


End file.
